September 8, 2009 12:38 a.m.

I was having a bad day earlier coz my dad will buy a laptop for my brother and I hate it. OKAY!! IM JEALOUS COZ ITS UNFAIR!! first of all Im not really close to both of them.... coz i had issues with my dad and he knows that I have a grudge on him, we just dont talk about it. Secondly, my brother is the blacksheep of our family. HE SUCK IN SCHOOL like PERFECT C'S and F'S. He also has his stupid FRIENDS. and I know why my dad likes him. COZ HE CAN GIVE HIM A GRANDCHILD unlike me! Its just unfair to see him spending that much money on him, when I never really had anything special from him. It sucks to see my parents spending that much money on him when I'm giving $1000 out of my $1400 average monthly salary as a contribution to our household bills. Than means I only have $400 dollars to spend to myself, and I'm the one paying for my own phone bill too. If I wont become a Nurse here in Canada does that mean that I'm gonna be like this FOREVER?? It's just unfair!

I wanna move out but I cant, coz my sense of responsibility is holding me back, that IM HERE IN CANADA TO HELP MY FAMILY!

So as much as I want to complaint about how I feel... I CANT because it will break my mom's heart... so I just have to RANT ABOUT IT here in this blog just to release my tensions.

I just got home from dinner with Ben, too bad our good friend Deanna (whom I just also met the day I met Ben) didnt make it coz' she's with her friends. But its ok coz' shes just 3 stores away from the place where we ate LOL. We went to a jap restaurant in Burnaby and when we got there Ben asked me if he can borrow my iPhone, of course he can so I handed my iPhone and I was weirded by what he was doing. He was wrote something in my notes then he handed the phone back to me and gave me a present. It was a Naruto plush toy and its soooo cute, and the note says like this:

"From Ben and Deanna

Here you go karl. This is a little something from Ben and Deanna. We hope you like it! you are a crazy vball player.. Just keep doing what you do! and you can talk to both of us when you need to find someone to talk to! Naruto all the way? hahaha. btw this thing is just a random gift lol...

have a nice day =)"

It means a lot to me... I'm glad I met these two wonderful people :P


Okay! Going back to what I was telling about my life in the Philippines, It was awesome and I surely miss the not so old times. My first few months here in Canada were devastating, I was homesick and so depressed about what happened to me and my boyfriend. A few months have passed and I moved on, I met new friends through volleyball and found a stable job. The first friends that I met here were Denny, Anh, and Cyrus and we still play together until now. Sometime in August of 2008 I met a Filipino guy through an online gay social website, his name is Neil. The first time I saw him it was like love at first sight haha coz' hes so cute and simple, but hes verry young. After a couple of days of talking to him, I figured out that he dont really like me to be his date so we just became friends, but I still liked him so being friends with Neil is cool to coz' I'll get a chance to see him often.

A few months have passed and we became bestfriends and we met two more gay friends- Jude and Arvin. At work, I found another friend and his name is Marco- a 24 year old straight Filipino guy who loves basketball, sushi and karaoke. He didnt know that I am gay until I felt guilty coz I was not being true to him, so I told him about him and he's cool with that. In fact we became closer to each other after I told him about it, so close that I started to like him (who wouldnt fall for a guy like him, he picks me up to work, asked me out for dinner after work, taught me basketball, brought me to his girlfriend's parties, talked to me in MSN for hours and called me in my Phone when his GF is already sleeping). I started to doubt his sexuality because of how he treated me and one day, I told him that I love him but I am not expecting anything about it, that I just wanna be true to myself. Two weeks after I told him about it, we were having our regular dinner after work in a vietnamese restaurant when he bacame so silent and wont eat his food. I asked him why he's like that and he told me that he's treating me like that coz' "HE LIKE ME".

I was shocked about what I heard from him, I was so happy that I would cry. After dinner we went to the recreation center just to hangout coz' it was still early for us to pick his girlfriend from work. In the car we were holding hands until we reached the rec. center. There he told me something I wouldn't forget in my entire life:

"Karl, I shouldve met you before her, you should've moved here in Canada before we became lovers"

From that day on, we became "like" boyfriends coz we had no commitment. We were secretly going out and He would lie to his girlfriend everytime she asked him where did he go. It was wonderful until I felt like a mistress. The feeling was so painful and I couldnt bear it anymore, I had to let him go. It was one of the hardest decision that I made in my life, But I am glad I did it!

Because of what happened, I decided to go back to the Philippines with my Mom to unwind. I went back on June 2009 and it was a 3 week vacation. I've never been so happy again, I spent all my days with my friends and I also had the chance to be with my ex-boyfriend who still loved me and was excited to be with me again. But I knew that I shouldn't gave him any hopes so even if it broke my heart, when I left the Philippines, I told him to forget me coz' he deserves to be happy.

So I went back here in Canada with lots of happy memories, and a sad one. The good thing was, my vacation helped me to forget everything about Marco. I kept myself busy playing volleyball and spent more time with the person that I cared the most that time, Neil. Jude was very busy about his work so most of the time, it was just me Arvin and Neil who hang out together. It was last month, August, when Arvin introduced me and Neil to his friends and it was a big group. That time I felt like I'm home, that I would never be sad again here in Canada coz I now have a lot of friends. But I felt something weird at the same time.

I was falling in love with Neil again, I knew it was wrong and its not the right time coz he just broke up with his boyfriend that time. But it hurts me to see him sad that I would like to take care of him myself so I told him that I still love him but as expected, he didnt want me to love him. He felt sorry that we talked about staying away from each other at the moment but I don't want him to suffer because of what I did, so I was the one who decided to be away until my feelings for him is completely gone because seeing him everyday wont help me and since he's always with our friends, that means I was basically staying away from them.

It was another hard decision for me and I know that I was wrong. But what can I do? It's not my fault to love him either??

Anyway so that's what happened last month. I kept myself busy playing volleyball as usual and that's how I met BEN and DEANNA. It was perfect timing to have them when it's like this. So far everything is going well, September is a GOOD MONTH for me.. so far..... I joined 3 volleyball leagues this fall, One will start next monday and I will be playing with my friends who live downtown, the other one will start next thursday and I'll be playing with the team that I just made and Ben is part of our team, and I also joined a Gay volleyball league that will start next sunday. This is my first year to join the VGVA (Vancouver Gay Vball Assoc.) and it was WONDERFUL. I attended their evaluations last week so they can put me into a category that will suit my skills and I made it to the Highest Category :P

I also met new gay friends this long weekend and everything is going smoothly....

Right now I'm still chatting with Ben and it's already 2:34 am.... I have work later on so I think I should say goodnight to him already haha